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Codependency has been referred to as the disease of a lost self by psychologists. The term has been around for nearly forty years. It was originally used in conjunction with alcoholism. However, research began to uncover that codependent traits were more widespread throughout the general population than previously believed.

To sum codependency up in a straight forward manner, there is imbalance, so one person is abusive or in control or supports or enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. In other words, people lose their self in the interest of their partner. Although, codependency is not limited to romantic relationships. Codependency can be defined as any relationship in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently anymore. The role of a codependent person becomes a pseudo identity that takes the place of their real self. There are a few common identifiers that mark a codependent person or relationship. You need not possess all of the traits either.

1. Chronic Low Self Esteem

Feelings of inadequacy, like you’re just not good enough, or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise, a mask they wear for others. Self esteem is not about outer appearances, but rather, internal confidence. Some codependents actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame. Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.

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2. Obsessive behavior

Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their need to seek validation from others, along with irrational anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.” Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial of your codependency.

3. Poor or ineffective communication skills
Codependents have a hard time when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs, or expressing themselves in constructive ways. Often times, codependents don’t even know what they think, feel or need, and this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Its like constantly walking on eggshells. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” or “I need this,”you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing, as a result you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.

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4. They enable risky and dangerous behavior
People in co-dependent relationships do a lot of things they don’t want to do, and shouldn’t do. They buy drugs for their partners. They make excuses for their bad behavior. They do illegal or immoral things under the guise of keeping their partners happy. They know they shouldn’t, but they do these things anyway. It feels like helping in the moment, but it’s just more enabling. In fact, these are the types of people that codependents are attracted to. This attraction stems from the need to save another person from themselves. They often if not always find themselves in relationships with partners who are addicts, chronic underachievers, or emotionally abusive.

5. Playing the role of savior
Codependents feel responsible for solving others’ problems. The codependent believes that help is needed and that the person in need cannot manage to make the right decisions or take the right actions to solve his or her own problems. These people are often frustrated in their relationships and exhausted from the amount of effort they are making, trying to fill a void. They often sacrifice his/her own needs, to help others, then end up feeling bitter and resentful, ignored and unappreciated. They rarely obtain the love, recognition and approval they are seeking, because nobody can possibly give enough, or let them do enough to meet their deepest needs. to get help from a therapist or relationships counselor so you can re-learn healthier behaviors.

6. Lack of or problems with intimacy

By this I’m not referring to physical intimacy, although sexual dysfunction is often a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. This ties in with the point about effective communication. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.